I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
