Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
