and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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