I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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