Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
and you fell through a lawn chair
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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