I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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