I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
