walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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