ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize