So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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