Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
