My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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