Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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