Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
