i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
