Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
