I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
