This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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