ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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