My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
