Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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