Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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