i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
