my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"