she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.