If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
