The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
