Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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