Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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