My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize