mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
