I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
