that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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