How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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