i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
