I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
