he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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