its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
