Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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