make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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