I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
