Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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