I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
