Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
