i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
