His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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