woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
