i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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