my mouth tastes like poor choices
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
