are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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