Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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