you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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