If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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