Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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