eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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