She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
