Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
