3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
