So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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